The Journal of his Delights

My apologies for the lack of updates, but I came down with a rather nasty bug last week. There was also a dramatic increase in new clients. Fortunately, my workplace is rather progressive, which is what you’d probably expect, and I was able to work from home for the week. That said, I had to prioritize work over everything else, as I was operating on very little brain juice the entire time.

Which also means, unfortunately, that I don’t have a new poem to share with you. There are two new poems that have potential, but they’re both still in the very early pupae stage.

Instead, I’ll just share one of my older poems, one that makes me smile (if I can say that as the author). And this might also be a good time to mention that my poetry is not autobiographical. *grin*

It occurred to me today that I’ve been in the Bay Area approximately six months now. How so much time has slipped past, I don’t know. It feels like it’s been a couple of weeks at most, maybe a month or two.

It also feels like, even though I’m not traveling, the journey is still continuing. An inner journey though, with landscape and characters just as varied, and requiring just as much energy towards confronting the unknown and the awkward.

I told a friend the other day that travel is “is a looking for opportunities that will stretch the conception of the world and ourselves, so that we can become bigger and accommodate more of life.”

Just because I’ve been staying put for the past six months (short as it feels), it doesn’t mean that I’ve stopped traveling.

I was bicycling home yesterday, not in a hurry and admiring the scenery, when it occurred to me: life is good.

I like where I’ve found myself and who I’m becoming. Yes, life will (always) continue to present difficulties—the challenge of learning my way as a writer; the inner work that’s so important to me, which is hard; and the fact that I still don’t have bookshelves for my apartment—but in a perverse way, I enjoy these (and the other) bumps in the road. Each is an opportunity to test myself against.

Isn’t life remarkable?

So I’m crawling in the dirt; struggling with writing fiction. I had stopped work on my novel, because I felt like my technique was not where it needed to be. I switched to short fiction as a way to learn, to improve, to practice. But then one of the shorts kept bucking to become a novel, and I was at a loss for what to do.

So I switched again; this time to poetry, which I understand much better. I know the ebbs and flows that come with playing in that ocean. And while poetry and fiction aren’t the same, it was an opportunity to build a foundation that supports writing in general; a disciplined schedule, a gratitude to the writers who’ve gone before, an opportunity to work with rhythm and description, and a confidence in my ability to write.

Now I’m back to short fiction, working with the same story, navigating a rocky path. But that’s good, because there’s a time to crawl in the dirt–when it’s right and proper to drag yourself forward, dust in your mouth and every pebble and rock a point of struggle.

American culture doesn’t much like this view. It’s all about keeping your head high and building self-esteem. But you’ve got to take it all apart before you can put it back together. Before you can fly, learn how to run. Before running, walk, and before walking, crawl in the dirt and struggle with the stones.

But it doesn’t have to be an actual struggle. If you flow around the stones like river water, eventually you’ll wear them down. How does that work? I imagine that the way is different for every person. For me sitting with the stones seems to work. Becoming familiar with them, understanding them and then using that accumulated wisdom to shift them.

It’s so tempting to try and break break through, but that just means you’re dealing with a multitude of smaller pieces. And I’ve never heard of an instance where arguing with stone was ever a productive experience.

No, for me, right now, wearing the stones down seems the best course. It’s a slow process, but sure. It requires a constant but flexible pressure against the stone. It needs patience and discipline, which is a funny thing to say about water, but true none-the-less.

So for the time being, I’m crawling, which is to say that I’m flowing; a muddy, rock-strewn river slowly finding its path. And you know what? As frustrating as it is sometimes, there’s nothing else I’d rather be doing. Nothing that compares to the satisfaction of writing and the discipline of water.

My first memory of drawing anything was in the third grade, doodling the Mach 5 from Speed Racer. In fact, I can recall drawing the car over and over and over again. I was, apparently, quite the little fan.

Years later, when I was in college, I owned some of the episodes on VHS videotape.

I’ve always been a big fan of animation (and I still am), but I can’t figure out the appeal of Speed Racer for me — the plots were thin, the action not very exciting, the animation quality only so-so. And I truly detested Spritle and Chim Chim, even as a child.

It must’ve been the car. That glorious car with its ultra-sleek lines and the promise of speed and gadgets. A car that could leap obstacles or cut through them, that would protect you from bullets and other misfortunes. I don’t know that I loved the show so much as I loved its main star, the Mach 5.

That may not be completely true - Racer X was also pretty damn cool.

As for the film version out in theaters, I went to see it over the weekend, in magnificent IMAX no less. The reviews have been terrible, but you know what? I didn’t mind it. The film is clearly meant for kids, and it does a fine job in that regard. As long as you don’t go in expecting magic from the Wachowski Brothers, you should be okay.

Would I have liked to see a modern, more adult re-telling of the story? Sure, of course. Who wouldn’t want entertainment tuned to their sensibilities? But this other direction is okay too.

The truth is that super-cars are a dime a dozen now. Look at the James Bond films, the Knight Rider TV series, or even the Pursuit Special in Mad Max/The Road Warrior movies. As sad as it may be, the Mach V is star out of TV’s past, who’s heyday is remembered fondly, nostalgically, but whose chances of being able to sustain an entire film are slim. This is the era of the Interweb, and technology is an uncertain in film. People are too used to miracles. Even Ironman, which is also out in theaters, is more about Tony Stark than it is about the suit.

Do I recommend going out to spend $10 on Speed Racer? If you’ve got kids, I’d say yes. If you’re in it for the nostalgia, then I’d say maybe. It depends on your tolerance for kids’ movies. I had a good time, but I don’t know that I’d call myself typical.

This is just a quick note to say that I’ve updated the reading list. Here’s what I’ve been reading:

Pretender and Deliverer by C.J. Cherryh
If you’ve read the seven (!) previous books in this series, then you know what to expect. Pretender in particular spends a lot of time in the main protagonist’s head, but this is something Cherryh excels at. Deliverer picks up the pace nicely though.

Territory by Emma Bull
This is such a fun book! I highly recommend it! Wyatt Earp is a sorcerer and the events leading up to the gun battle at the OK Corral are not as history purports them to be. I first read Emma Bull years and years ago when War of the Oaks came out, and I like her a lot. (You also see her writing at Shadow Unit.) She’s clearly enjoying herself with Territory, including messing with some of the iconography of the old American West.

The King’s Own by Lorna Freeman
Another fun book - I really like the main character. There’s a sequel that’s somewhat darker, but still enjoyable. Supposedly (*fingers crossed*) there’s a third book coming out this year. I’ve read this one before and will read it again.

Olympic Games by Leslie What
A solid book by an author mostly known for her short fiction. I liked this modern telling of the Greek gods in the modern day (although it seems only Zeus and Hera manage to make to the present). The cover is not exactly inspiring, but as I said the story’s enjoyable and there are some very nice writing bits.

Howl’s Moving Castle and Castle in the Air by Diana Wynne Jones
I’ll admit to being a huge fan of Hayao Miyazaki. I’ve seen all of his feature films, and that was my introduction to Howl’s Moving Castle by Jones. A charming book - I enjoyed it. Castle in the Air continues that effort, although I found it slow to start. Mostly, I had a hard time reading the obsequiousness of the main character.

Engaging the Enemy, Command Decision, and Victory Conditions by Elizabeth Moon
These are books three, four, and five in the Vatta’s War series. Military SF, but Moon is very good at military SF. Command Decision is a transition book, but that doesn’t bother me. I’m happy to spend time with interesting characters. Victory Conditions is the final book, and ends the series well.

The Chronicles of Master Li and Number Ten Ox by Barry Hughart
This is an omnibus of three novels featuring Master Li (a sage with a slight flaw to his character) and Number Ten Ox (his somewhat assistant and the narrator). These books are a delight! The characters are so endearing, and the stories take place in a fantastic mythological China. I was surprised to learn that the omnibus I own is worth $100-$150 used. Happily, there is a new edition coming out later this year that will be reasonably priced. Recommended!

Rules for the Dance by Mary Oliver
If you have any interest at all in classical poetry, grab a copy of this book and read it. Oliver’s writing is a wonder to behold, and she is quite clearly in her element writing about that which she loves. The book is concise and elucidates simply the ins and outs of meter in poetry. Even better (at least for me) it contains some distilled, crystallized wisdom about writing. I love Oliver’s poetry, and now I can say I love her prose as well.

Hmm… I started out just wanting to note a couple of the books, but I seem to have gotten carried away and provided mini-reviews instead. What a rambling and enthusiastic mess this post turned out to be!

I’m really pleased with the way the apartment is coming together. In past years, almost all of my furniture was inherited from roommates and friends. Don’t get me wrong - those pieces served me well. There’s a couch from Carrie, for example, that was probably the most comfortable thing to sleep on.

But I’m definitely at a stage now (due a mixture of age and all the traveling around) that I’m interested in establishing my own place. To have my surroundings reflect my values and aesthetics. To have the place support who I am and what I want to be.

That might sound a little over-the-top, but I’m a firm believer that environment has a profound effect on people. I’m sure you know someone, for example, who absolutely cannot work when there’s clutter around them. Or if you’ve ever walked into a place and you could feel it suck the life right out of you.

Well, my goal is it to ensure that my apartment is a comfortable and interesting place to live. That means comfy places to sit and read, interesting use of colors and shapes, warmth, capacity for guests and visitors, and so on.

And as I said, I’m please with how it’s coming along. At first, I wanted to rush and fill the place, but my health kept that from happening. Now I’m glad, because since I’ve chilled out - the pieces have been slowly finding me.

It’s still not complete and I’ve got a few more pieces to go, not to mention all the art needed for the walls, but I’ve been thoroughly enjoying the process.

Here’s a picture to show what the new sofa looks like:

And here’s a cabinet that I’m totally in love with. OMG, it’s gorgeous:

I have been extraordinarily negligent in updating the Journal - my most profound apologies for that. But there was an intention behind it, and a good one. Amazingly enough, I needed to teach myself how to rest again. The past few months have been so mad - the traveling around, the looking for work, and all the while sick and exhausted from being sick. I totally underestimated how much of a toll it was taking on my body. There were things I had to do though - survival things - and I paid the price. For four months, I paid the price.

Once I realized that I’d been ignoring my body’s demands, I knew that had to change. So for a couple of weeks, I did nothing. In fact, I did as much nothing as I could get away with. I lay in bed. I lay on the floor. I read. I played some video games. I lay in bed again. I did go to work - that was non-negotiable for me - but everything else was off the table.

And it worked. The cough is gone. Completely. My lungs are clear, and my energy slowly returned. I’m not quite 100 percent, but I’m close enough that I can smell the changes coming. Yoga again, bicycling, hiking - all just over the horizon.

I don’t regret what I had to do, though. If I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have the job, the apartment, the life beginning anew. It’s like an old martial arts instructor once told me. If someone knocks you down, stand up like a fighter. Let it be in your eyes and the way you rise from the floor. You’re there to fight, and there ain’t no mucking about.

Well, it was a bad time, and I had to fight to get to where I am. I was down, and down a lot, but each time I got up like a fighter. It was hard, but it worked.

And now that I got to here, whatever that is which I’m still figuring out, it’s time rest. I have a place now where it’s okay to open up to the body’s aches and the emotional bruising. A quiet place to rest, recover, and recharge.

So that’s where I’ve been. I haven’t even been writing. All the ideas about what my life should be like now - I’ve thrown them away. I realized that I was trying so hard to create something that I was getting in the way of its creation. It’s so much easier to just let it unfold. My body, my heart, my mind - they all know what they want and I should just trust them to find the way. And they do.

So, the lesson in all this? If there is one it’s this: stand like fighter, rest when it’s quiet, and trust yourself to find the way.

Woo! I haz the internets!

*laughter*

The obvious good news is that I have internet access at home again, and a quick look shows that I have a fair bit of correspondence to catch up on. This weekend, I promise, but before then, I have to see about a haircut, some errands, and a sofa.

I’m not actually buying a sofa - I’m still in the “just looking” phase. While I finally have money again, a goodly chunk of my first paycheck will used to pay back loans from family. Besides I’m still thinking about how I want my new place to be. I’m thinking comfy, earthy, but I won’t know how to put it together till I see… what would you call it? The cornerstone piece? The foundation? The one piece of furniture that sets the tone and feel of a place - the first domino as it were. I’m thinking it might be the sofa, thus my field trip today.

This is just a quick note to say that:

1. I still have no internet access at home, and
2. I’m still sick damn it.

The good news is that a landline was installed yesterday, so I can hook up to DSL as soon as the modem arrives from my new ISP. Hopefully things won’t be so quiet around here then. It has been useful not having to worry about the Journal - I’ve been able to focus on getting settled at work, and with me still under the weather, I’ve had to prioritize what needs getting done. Still, it’ll be nice to post more - I enjoy it and would like to get back to it more regularly.

As for still being sick, it hit me the other day just how exhausting the last couple of months have been. I’ve been pushing through and pushing through because things needed getting done, and I’m just now realizing the toll that I’ve been placing on my body. Fortunately, now that I have a job and a place to live, I can ease back and just focus on the bare essentials for a while. To rest as much as possible until my health insurance kicks in. At least I’m not coughing like before. Not as much anyway.